This weekend was spent stressing over the future of the band and my personal future. I'm 26 and have spent my entire adult life attempting to carve out a career in the music industry. Life always got in the way and still continues to do so. I got married at 20, divorced at 24, and spent the last 2 years figuring myself out. The last two years have been the best of my life, able to be fully myself and make my life into exactly what I want it to be. When Chase passed it brought things into perspective. I NEED to take the next step in making my life exactly what I wan. That means some pretty heavy decisions have to be made. The only way for Corner Gospel Explosion to have a shot at succeeding is to hit the road really hard. That's impossible with a traditional job. So we have to make a tough choice, either we go all in and quit our jobs, or I will have to make the hard choice to move on and attempt a career outside of the band. We all have some tough decisions to make in the next 6 months. If there's one thing I know, anything worth doing is worth the sacrifice to do it.
Yesterday, Kate and I were driving and listening to music. She turned to me and said "is it weird to think that that could be you?". A wave of anxiety rushed over me and I broke down crying. Could it be me? Or is it just a burden I will carry for the rest of my life?
If you don't understand the burden of a creative person, this is how I explain it now: Imagine that you're underwater and you're fighting against it, desperately trying to find the surface, paddling and exhausting yourself. Every once in a while (sometimes a day or a month) you surface and take a deep breath. That breath is the most euphoric thing imaginable. All of the stress, anxiety, all of the struggling stops for a moment. Just as it comes, it leaves and you're back in the water, trying again to get that breath of air to keep you from drowning. I'm tired of not reaching the surface.